1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
