The police scanner is talking about you again....
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
