her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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