I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
