when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
