He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
