i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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