he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
