There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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