I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
