I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
