I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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