I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You took a bar mat shot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Boobs speak an international language.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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