so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
