I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
