Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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