I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
