From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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