I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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