He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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