I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I am one with the molecules
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
