I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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