we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
