To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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