people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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