that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
