My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
