well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Enjoy the penises
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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