Don't make out with my wife yet
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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