so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize