1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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