I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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