is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
