Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
