I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
