guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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