My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
