update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
