I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
