i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
