Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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