didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
