he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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