so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize