So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
