Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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