Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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