youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
