Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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