NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
