Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
