A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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