If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize