Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
