Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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