Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
