I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
