Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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