apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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