just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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